Ramble on.

Oct. 16th, 2010 04:25 am
dealated: (Default)
It's 4 AM, I'm leaving in 5 hours to drive back to LA. I've sort of forgotten what it is that is drawing me back. I've sort of forgotten who I am. Who I am and where I am going. I'm wearing almost nothing, glancing down every few moments only to see my bellybutton and how my hips and thighs spread outwards in ways I don't remember them spreading. Thinking to myself, so this is what I have become. Great. This is who I am now. A person with a mind that has no dreams and aspirations and a body that no longer holds its form. I had a path at some point and I lost it. Where did it go? My my how the days have slid past into a pool of darkness I'd rather not look into. My my how I avert my eyes as I look into the mirror. But I'm just rambling, and you should be used to it by now my sweet.

I should be used to this nothingness I have latched onto, the bits of myself that hold me together, the bits that are not but antimatter, the bits that are nothingness. Can you tell I don't know the words that my fingers are forming? The words that my mind is telling me that I am feeling? I used to be a writer. Right? Where did that bit of me go? Lost in the string of ones and zero's? Crawling in around upon and away from myself? I miss myself more then I'll ever know.

I find myself pleading, to my disengaged particles, in my dreams, to come back. Come back to me my precious, please, come back.
dealated: (Default)
Watching "Appleseed" on netflix. First impression, interesting art style. It looks almost 3D, the people are colored with cell shading, and yet the environment is colored drawn with soft shading. Also, mecs crushing peoples heads with their hands. Mecs wearing helmets with bunny ears on them = win. I just keep waiting for a jet engine to fall from the sky.

"What a creature is man, he would cage himself so willingly."

Don't trust creepy old dudes in hovering glowing wheelchairs.

Japanese people are obsessed with robots.

Hoties in mec suits doing round house kicks is the SHIT.

Straight up.

Aarrgh

Aug. 18th, 2010 04:36 am
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I can't sleep and I have to get up in 2 hours to go in to my work cause I don't have Internet at home right now. Yes I'm having Internet withdraw. I need to go for a walk or something and work out this nervous uncomfortable feeling.

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Widmore is an alien! Who didn't see that coming...

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dealated: (scissors)
As I begin watching the 9th, and final, Season of the X-Files, I'm kinda sad that it's going to end soon. I'll probably end up writing sexy fanfics and making cheesy desktop wallpapers or something to dull the pain.

On a different, but somewhat related, note, I have a habit of doing running commentary through pretty much any movie or show. I'm doing it right now while I watch X-Files, even though I'm the only one in the room. I laugh at my own jokes too. Pretty much I just have no one else to talk to most of the time. Or something.
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At one point, people who gave up everything where considered seekers of enlightenment. Now we only regard them as homeless people who are worth nothing because they are not slaves to our society and rules. Why did we ever let this happen?

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At one point, people who gave up everything where considered seekers of enlightenment. Now we only regard them as homeless people who are worth nothing because they are not slaves to our society and rules. Why did we ever let this happen?

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*whimper*

Jul. 14th, 2010 04:27 am
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It's 4 AM and I'm up watching x-files and crying. I mean almost sobbing crying. These episodes are the saddest thing I've seen in a while. Mulder and Scully love each other so much. Also, it's impossible not to start crying when Mulder puts his crying face on.

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*whimper*

Jul. 14th, 2010 04:27 am
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It's 4 AM and I'm up watching x-files and crying. I mean almost sobbing crying. These episodes are the saddest thing I've seen in a while. Mulder and Scully love each other so much. Also, it's impossible not to start crying when Mulder puts his crying face on.

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Omg omg *flails* *wibble*

X-Files Season 3, Episode 12
Spoiler Alert )

Oh man. The X-Files writers are brilliant. The little jokes they slip in are hilarious. No words can describe.

I feel like I have some sort of deep bond with Fox Mulder. We are both attracted to people who are intelligent and know things that we don't know. Geeky girls are über sexy. 

Also, I'm continuously amazed at Scully's ability to run after bad guys and kick their ass's in heels. 

4:31 am
MULDER IS DOING SHOTS WITH STEPHEN HAWKING WTF
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I'm now officially addicted to X-Files. I finished 3 Seasons in 1 week. Every time I see the smoking man it makes me want to stop smoking. I have a song about Mulder...but where the hell are all the songs about Skully and how badass she is. Like for realz.

Also, watched Black Dynamite today with Matt. when the chili and donuts restaurant was introduced to the movie, Matt was all, is that a spoof on Chicken and Waffles? Which I guess it is...in the movie at least...but in real life that place is down Crenshaw, a few blocks from my house. So awesome and hilarious.

On another note...I've been thinking about the movie "Contact" a lot lately...

Cut for Spoilers )
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It's about 4 in the morning and I'm laying in bed. I've been here for 3 hours, trying to fall asleep, but I can't. The noise of the mini fridge in my room is driving me insane when at any other time I don't even notice it. I won't put earbuds in to listen to music and drown it out because I am paranoid about not being able to hear in the event someone should come into my room while I'm sleeping. Like I can somehow defend myself if I have the few extra seconds that hearing an intruder would give me. My mind won't shut up. I don't even know what it is going on about that is so important that it must deny me my sleep. It's just rushing from thought to thought all the while focusing on every squeak, hum, creak, etc, that is being made by this old house and the things in it.

I watched a movie today on netflix that was based on a fictional future where you can be implanted with a timer that counts down to the exact moment you find your one true love, if they also have one of these devices. It was labeled as a comedy. There was NOTHING remotely funny about it. It was actually a really depressing movie. Maybe it was supposed to be comedic how tragic humans are in their search to find someone to love them forever. I don't know...

Was sick since Sunday, but feeling better now thank god. I had chills and a cough and a horrible headache that started at the top of my spine and made my whole head pound.

Sometimes I don't know if the things I hear are real, in my head, or if I'm hearing someones thoughts somehow.

I wish it would rain.

Maybe not being able to fall asleep is my body's way of telling me I sleep too much normally. But I was sick the past few days, so it should cut me some slack. I needed extra sleep.

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All the cool kids keep enthusiasm rationed
Right down to the last explosive ounce
But I'd rather indulge my many passions
Even if my squaritude is a little too pronounced

Perhaps I do not strike you as a geek
Without the horn rimmed glasses and knee-high argyle socks
But nerdery is more than wardrobe deep
And I'm a nerd down in my heart and that's where nerdhood rocks

I'm better aquainted than a good girl aught to be
With Aragorn and Yo-Saf-Bridge and Warf and HAL and Han
But you don't really know me and my culture don't control me
So don't you pigeon hole me 'cause my phaser's set to stun!

I have been a nerd since long before I could have heard
That bookish girls should look and act a certain way
And I'll still be a geek when I am utterly antique
Because I do not care what normal people say

My superpower's draining fun from parties
But if I am a misfit then I'm in good company
With Auden, Austin, Hawking, Galileo and Van Gogh,
And countless other weirdos whom you'd really aught to know

So stow your expectations no, I won't fix your PC
And I don't mind being underrated or ignored
The world is much too interesting to entertain ennui
And I won't ever play it cool so I won't ever once be bored

Oh, I have been a nerd since before anyone heard
That pale and scrawny was the latest fashion trend
And I'll still be a geek after nobody thinks it's chic
Because I don't require approval in the end

In aught-four, D-Kwon's Dance Grooves swept the country
And suddenly old moon boots were Italian haute couture
Time magazine reported that our time had finally come
I guess they didn't know that we already run the world

I have been a nerd since my first five syllable word
And no TV series or movie changes that
And I'll still be a geek now 'Vote for Pedro's so last week
I do not care whether Milan endorses plaid

I have been a nerd since long before anyone heard
That pale and scrawny was the latest fashion trend
And I'll still be a geek after nobody thinks it's chic
Because I don't require approval in the end

I have been a nerd since long before anyone heard
That pale and scrawny was the latest fashion trend
And I'll still be a geek after nobody thinks it's chic
You will find that I have Nothing to defend

No, I don't need your approval in the end…

Listen Now
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The road to Heaven runs through the depths of Hell.
There is a Palace in your mind.
You must learn to live in it Always.
- imparted to me by an Amazon Woman who holds a piece of my heart
dealated: (miss)
I've never wanted to die as much as I do right now. I want the life that is still inside of me to drain out. I'm broken, made up of defects upon defects. I killed your smile, your laugh, your love, your soul...like a plague upon your heart. I can't live with myself. I can't live without you. There is no way to fix this now. I don't even deserve your friendship. All I deserve is to live out my days knowing and aching. I deserve to crumble a little every time I think of you, am reminded of you, until there is nothing left of me. I already feel like there is a hole in my chest, a black void where love and devotion used to be.

I keep trying to think back to when our love was new. It's like torture. The smell of your sun warmed hair. Laying next to you after making love, feeling your heartbeat, wishing I could stay in your arms forever. The way I felt when we first kissed, and how for weeks after I was so happy, so in love. Making out in the back of the beatnik because we couldn't control our desire for each other. I would have been with you every moment of every day if I could have.

I could have had what I longed for, we could have been married and we could have had a family together. We could have been happy. But I destroyed everything. I broke you down, made your life worse then it was when we met. There are no more chances. There is nothing left to say. I can say I am sorry every day for the rest of my life, but it changes nothing. It means nothing.

So, I would rather just die. Just fade away to nothing. So I sit here in this yellow room, and wait for it to end. It will end eventually. My mind is already slipping, it wont take long for the rest of me to go. I await deaths embrace without fear. I long to leave this world, so I can't hurt you or anyone else again.

This is the price of telling the truth. I should have buried it inside me, deep beneath my mind where you couldn't see. I keep feeling like this isn't real. I wish I could tell. I wish I could remember. I wish I could stop hallucinating that you are here with me still loving me. Wish I could stop dreaming that things are okay, and waking up to this ugly world I've made for myself. I keep hoping I'll wake up in your warm safe embrace.
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Getting ready to go to pride. Wooo!

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dealated: (charm)
I'm not sure what I'm searching for anymore, or even what I've found that I was not searching for at all. Are there answers there that I'm just stepping over like a twig or leaf on the lawn, without giving it any thought? There is a story I've been trying to tell but I can't figure out the medium in which to tell it. I've abandoned writing for so long and I have yet to really learn to draw. So I'm lost between the worlds I have and might belong in.

I set up my desk and got my chair and now I feel anxious because I'm too far from the hum of my computer as I sleep.
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Went to a friends house for a LAN party. This consisted of the 4 of us drinking until 3 am and trying to run a wow instance. The issue was that none of us knew how to run through mauradon. Now I'm the first one up with nothing to do. At least I'm not hungover, instead I'd say I'm sore from sleeping on Lily's miniature couch. So tiny and constricting. Other then that everything is good I guess. I can't wait to get my computer chair so I can stop hunching over my keyboard on my bed.

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So I've moved out. I'm living on my own. I have a huge empty room. In a huge empty house. I wake up alone, spend the day alone, fall asleep alone. I have nothing but my computer and the humming background noise it provides. I don't even know why I'm here. I'm just waking and breathing for the sole purpose of being alive. The day seems so long when there is nothing to wait for at the end. The week seems so long when there is nothing to break up the days. I don't want this. I miss you.

so.....

Feb. 10th, 2008 02:38 pm
dealated: (ninja housewife)
I've had to set my journal to private. it happens to the best of us. Someone took my information and pictures off of here and used them to make a post on craigslist that was not very...kosher. now i'm receiving phone calls from creepy old men. So yeah. Private. It sucks that it had to come to this, but yeah, thats what i get for not being careful i guess.

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